I was startled recently by a message that I received from a friend. “It's really hard to talk to you,” it said, out of the blue, “you don’t understand the second degré,” which is the French way of saying that I didn’t understand sarcasm. Sometimes they call it the sous-entendu, literally, the under-heard, something close to reading between the lines. “I get frustrated when I have to explain stuff to you.” I didn’t know how to respond to it. How frustrated must the friend in question be interacting with me, to send me that message, completely unprovoked!
Getting that message was a bit like receiving a splash of cold water to the face unexpectedly. It was surprising, a little discomforting, but it also snapped something into focus for me. It's funny, isn't it, how words thrown our way, even in frustration, can make us stop and really think about how we interact with others? It made me wonder, really, about the essence of communication between people, about understanding and being understood.
I couldn't shake off the feeling of disappointment, not just in the situation but also in myself. Was I really that oblivious? Had I missed cues and signs along the way that led my friend to express his frustration so directly? The hurt was layered, with each layer asking a different question about my ability to communicate, to connect, to be a good friend.
It's one thing to know that no one's perfect in communication, but it's another to be confronted with your shortcomings so bluntly. The realisation that my inability—or perhaps, my different way of processing and expressing—could be a source of frustration for someone I care about was a tough pill to swallow. This wasn't just about missing sarcasm or the nuances of language. Neither was it about my ability to speak French. It was the sous-entendu. It was about feeling suddenly outside, different, and somewhat inadequate. The assurance in my ability to relate and engage with those close to me wobbled, trembling my self-esteem.
Maybe it's also about the patience needed from both sides to bridge these gaps in understanding. It's about the give-and-take in conversations, the mutual effort to tune in to each other's wavelengths. Perhaps what my friend was really saying, beneath the surface of his words, beneath the second degré, was that he valued our friendship enough to want better communication between us.
So, how do I respond?
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll try my best to be as accommodating. If you can help me in any way, please let me know”.
Inevitably, I asked for more clarity and explanation, which perhaps adds to the frustration.
“The way we are conditioned to see the world in our own culture seems so completely obvious and commonplace that it is difficult to image that another culture might do things differently. It is only when you start to identify what is typical in your culture but different from others, that you can begin to open a dialogue of sharing, learning, and ultimately understanding.”
― Erin Meyer, The Culture Map
Sometimes we misjudge tone from a text. I don't think this was an outburst of frustration. He must've made a few jokes that went over your head, most likely he's just pointing it out in jest, I think. I guess the conversation would be very different if you were face to face. I've been told I'm quite obtuse too when it comes to sarcasm lol. Also it's fun being around someone who's not from your culture, watching them slowly understand what comes easily to you. Really puts into perspective how much of our day to day banter is understood without making as much effort if we belong to the same culture.